Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]

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Quote	Categories	Rating	Rate
"It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something."	Evil, Humor, Laughter
"Too bad there's not such a thing as a GOLDEN skunk, because you'd probably be PROUD to be sprayed by one."	Age, Evil, Good
"The old-timers around here still shake their heads and chuckle about that city slicker who came through, trying to peddle 'hair restorer.' He took everyone's money in a poker game, so when he tried to sell the bottles of hair restorer, nobody had any money left to buy it!"	Age, Laughter, Money
"You know what would be the most terrifying thing that could ever happen to a flea? Getting caught inside a watch somehow. You don't even care, do you."	Knowledge, Wisdom
"Some folks say it was a miracle. Saint Francis suddenly appeared and knocked the next pitch clean over the fence. But I think it was just a lucky swing."	Miscellaneous
"When this girl at the museum asked me who I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, 'I like mayonnaise.' She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me."	Men
"Despair is like a cable that is buried just under the surface of the ground. You pull it up and pull it up, but that cable just keeps right on going, clear across a field, until you come to a bunch of guys who are burying the cable. Then just walk up to them and go, 'Hey, have you seen Fred?' And they'll say, 'Fred who?' And you say, 'Fred of snakes?' Then cover your ears, because big laughs are coming."	Ability, Humor, Laughter
"I bet if you were a mummy wrapper in ancient Egypt, on thing you would constantly find yourself telling people would be, 'Be sure, before I start, you have all the jewelry and so forth on the body, because I am NOT unwrapping him later.'"	Art, Religion
"The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face."	Art
"If you wear a toupee, why not let your friends try it on for a while? Come on, we're not going to hurt it."	Friends
"Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies? One eats leaves, and the other eats caterpillars. Oh, I see now."	Miscellaneous
"Just as bees will swarm about to protect their nest, so will I 'swarm about' to protect my nest of chocolate eggs."	Military, War
"If you see an animal and you can't tell if it's a skunk or a cat, here's a good saying to help: 'Black-and-white, stinks all right. Tabby-colored, likes a fella.'"	Evil, Help
"If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is 'God is crying.' And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is 'Probably because of something you did.'"	Miscellaneous
"If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's all I have to say."	Men, Military, War
"If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it necessarily means you're a hard worker. It may just mean that you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance."	Intentions, Learning, Time
"I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye."	History
"If someone told me it wasn't 'fashionable' to talk about freedom, I think I'd just have to look him square in the eye and say, 'Okay, YOU TELL ME what's `fashionable'.' But he won't. And you know why? Because you can't ask someone what's fashionable in a smart-alecky way like that. You have to be friendly and say, 'By the way, what's fashionable?'"	Ability, Age, Art
"Here's a good gag if you go swimming in a swamp and when you come out you're all covered with leeches. Just say, 'Hey, has anybody seen my raisins?' (Because leeches kind of look like big raisins.)"	Evil, Sin
"To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real. And, at the same time, unreal. Fiction and fact and everything in between, plus some things I can't remember, all rolled into one big 'thing.' This is truth, to me."	Honesty, Intelligence, Memory
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Browse Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts] quotes by category:

Ability	Acceptance	Accomplishment
Achievement	Adversity	Age
Ambition	America	Anger
Argument	Art	Assumptions
Beauty	Books	Change
Choice	Conflict	Courage
Criticism	Curiosity	Darkness
Death	Decision-Making	Desires
Destruction	Difficulty	Education
Evil	Excellence	Faith
Fear	Forgiveness	Freedom
Friends	Funerals	Generosity
Good	Guns	Happiness
Help	History	Honesty
Hope	Humor	Imagination
Intelligence	Intentions	Joy
Justice	Knowledge	Laughter
Law	Learning	Liberty
Lies	Life	Light
Love	Memory	Men
Military	Miscellaneous	Mistakes
Monarchy	Money	Music
Nature	Patience	Patriotism
Peace	Power	Quitting
Reading	Religion	Sanity
School	Sin	Sleeping
Sorrow	Strength	Stupidity
Teaching	Technology	Time
Truth	Wants	War
Wisdom	Wishing	Women
Writing