Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts]

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Quote	Categories	Rating	Rate
"If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong though. It's Hambone."	Miscellaneous
"To us, it might look like just a rag. But to the brave, embattled men of the fort, it was more than that. It was a flag of surrender. And after that, it was torn up and used for shoe-shine rags, so the men would look nice for the surrender."	Courage, Men, War
"If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised."	Sanity
"Marta said I don't seem to like to read fiction very much. 'I guess you're not an `afictionado',' she said. Poor Marta. For all her reading, she doesn't even know the right word."	Art, Knowledge, Reading
"If I was a father in a waiting room, and the nurse came out and said, 'Congratulations, it's a girl,' I think a good gag would be to get real mad and yell, 'A girl!? You must have me mixed up with THAT dork!' and point to another father."	Evil, Patience
"When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, 'No speaka English.'"	Death, Evil, Learning
"If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the inefficiency of how the gladiator fights were organized and scheduled would just drive you up a wall."	Age, Argument, Conflict
"I wish I could shrink down to the size of an ant. And maybe there would be thousands of other people shrunken down to ant-size, and we would get together and dig tunnels down into the ground and live there. But don't ever call us 'ants,' because we hate that."	Hope, Life, Wishing
"If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast."	Age, Humor, Monarchy
"Laurie got offended that I used the word 'puke.' But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like."	Miscellaneous
"The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then, I told myself, 'Go ahead and do whatever you want, it's okay by me.'"	Age, Desires, Forgiveness
"It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs."	Art, Evil, Good
"If I ever become a mummy, I'm going to have it so when somebody opens my lid, a boxing glove on a spring shoots out."	Love
"I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it, because do you hide from it or not?"	Darkness, Hope, Light
"I think when you go on trial they should have a parrot there that says guilty or not guilty for you, as a sort of courtesy."	Adversity, Difficulty
"Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk about freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered they were not Indians at all, but dirty clothes hampers."	Freedom, Liberty, Quitting
"The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lie down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go, 'Hey, I'm Vine Man.'"	Knowledge, Lies, Men
"If I come back as a horsefly, I think my favorite thing would be to land on someone's lip. Even if they smash you, ick!, you're all over their lip!"	Miscellaneous
"If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I don't think you could cover fuses in just one class. It's just too rich a subject."	Education, School, Teaching
"Basically, there are three ways the skunk and I are a lot alike. The first is, we both like to spread our 'stink' around. The second is we both get hit by cars a lot. The third is stripes."	Reading
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Browse Jack Handey [Deep Thoughts] quotes by category:

Ability	Acceptance	Accomplishment
Achievement	Adversity	Age
Ambition	America	Anger
Argument	Art	Assumptions
Beauty	Books	Change
Choice	Conflict	Courage
Criticism	Curiosity	Darkness
Death	Decision-Making	Desires
Destruction	Difficulty	Education
Evil	Excellence	Faith
Fear	Forgiveness	Freedom
Friends	Funerals	Generosity
Good	Guns	Happiness
Help	History	Honesty
Hope	Humor	Imagination
Intelligence	Intentions	Joy
Justice	Knowledge	Laughter
Law	Learning	Liberty
Lies	Life	Light
Love	Memory	Men
Military	Miscellaneous	Mistakes
Monarchy	Money	Music
Nature	Patience	Patriotism
Peace	Power	Quitting
Reading	Religion	Sanity
School	Sin	Sleeping
Sorrow	Strength	Stupidity
Teaching	Technology	Time
Truth	Wants	War
Wisdom	Wishing	Women
Writing